Losing a child is the worst thing I can imaging someone could go through.
I have not personally lost a child, but my sister lost my sweet baby niece. She wasn’t born yet but baby Z was so loved.
There was no explanation for the loss of pregnancy. I do not personally know, but I believe that if it were me, no explanation would be worst. I imagine that I would wonder every single day if there was something I could have done to prevent it.
My sister is my closest friend, it pains me that she may have thoughts like that. We know that sometimes these things happen and we have no explanation why. How do you tell that to a grieving mother though???
When I got that terrible phone call, I honestly had no idea what to do. I had to google an answer.
She had some well meaning people doing things that did not help the situation at all. I politely shared the articles that I had found and tried to leave a short explanation of thing you should and shouldn’t do.
Be available to talk. Be ready to just listen, sometimes we don’t have answers, but just listening is all they need.
Pushing them to talk or asking them too many personal questions about it may make things worst. Do not force them to talk to you about it. They will open up if or when they are ready.
Show up briefly, just long enough to drop off some food or give them a hug or let them know you are there if they need anything.
Show up with the intentions of staying any longer than five minutes. If they want you to stay or come over and visit, they will ask you. They need space to grieve alone.
Choose your words wisely. Watch what you say. Sometimes we say things with good intentions not realizing it could really hurt her.
DO NOT :
Say things like:
“At least she’s in heaven now.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
” You can always try again.”
“I know exactly how you feel!”
If she says these things first it is okay to agree. These are very grey area comments. Some of them may seem harmless, but could in fact upset your loved one even more.
My brave sister delivered baby Z a few days later. I was there to support her before but once she delivered, I left to give her and her significant other time to grieve alone.
We don’t talk about it very much, she knows I am here if she ever needs to talk though.
She attends a Pregnancy and Infant loss walk every year, the whole family comes to support her. I didn’t make it last year due to being very sick, but I plan on showing up every year. It is our way to support her.
Give them the needed space to grieve. Do not be too pushy. They need a friend, even if its someone to sit silently with.